Why Protecting Yourself Keeps You Lonely
There is a particular kind of loneliness that doesn’t get talked about enough.
It’s not the loneliness of being alone. It’s the loneliness of sitting across from someone you love and still not feeling truly known.
So many of us live here.
We show up. We smile. We answer, “I’m fine.” We keep the conversation moving. We tell people just enough to stay connected, but not enough to be seen.
And then we wonder why we still feel alone.
I understand why we do it.
The ego has a very convincing story. It reminds us of every time we were judged. Every time we were rejected. Every time we trusted someone and got hurt. It quietly whispers, “Don’t let that happen again.”
So we protect ourselves.
We stay guarded.
We convince ourselves it’s safer that way.
But what feels like protection is often the very thing keeping us isolated.
THE WALL DOESN’T JUST KEEP PAIN OUT
Here is what ego doesn’t want us to see:
The wall we build to keep pain out also keeps joy out.
We don’t get to close our hearts only to disappointment. We close them to love, too.
We don’t get to avoid grief without also dulling our capacity for wonder.
We don’t get to shield ourselves from rejection while staying fully open to connection.
It doesn’t work that way.
An open heart feels everything.
The heartbreak.
The laughter.
The fear.
The belonging.
The joy.
Trying to eliminate one means limiting all of it.
IT’S ALWAYS THE MUD AND THE LOTUS
One of my favorite reminders is that the lotus grows from the mud.
Not around it.
Not in spite of it.
Through it.
We spend so much of our lives trying to avoid the uncomfortable parts of being human. The shame. The fear. The uncertainty. The heartbreak.
But those experiences aren’t evidence that something has gone wrong.
They are part of being alive.
The mud is not separate from the flower.
It is where the flower begins.
The more willing we become to move through discomfort instead of protecting ourselves from it, the more open we become to everything life has to offer.
WE ARE MEANT TO WITNESS ONE ANOTHER
I believe one of the reasons we’re here is to share this human experience with each other.
Not a polished version.
Not a performative version.
The real one.
Our relationships become richer when we stop trying to impress each other and start allowing ourselves to be known.
The quality of our relationships isn’t determined by how many people we know. It’s shaped by how much of ourselves we’re willing to reveal.
Our fears.
Our hopes.
Our grief.
Our joy.
Our hard days.
Our beautiful days.
Being witnessed is one of the deepest forms of healing we have.
And yet so many of us are starving for connection while keeping the very parts of ourselves hidden that create it.
That is the quiet work of ego.
THE PRACTICE OF OPENING
Vulnerability isn’t weakness.
It’s courage.
It takes courage to tell the truth about how you’re really doing.
It takes courage to ask for help.
It takes courage to let someone see the parts of yourself you’ve worked so hard to protect.
There is always risk.
Not everyone will know how to meet you there.
But staying guarded carries a cost, too.
Because when we spend our lives protecting ourselves from pain, we also protect ourselves from love, connection, and belonging.
This month, I invite you to notice where your heart has become guarded.
Notice the moment you’re tempted to say, “I’m fine,” when you’re not.
Notice the conversation where you almost tell the truth.
Then, if it feels safe, choose one person.
Share one honest thing.
Let yourself be witnessed.
Because healing doesn’t happen when we hide from one another.
It happens when we have the courage to be seen.
If you’re longing for that kind of connection, that’s exactly why I created the Harvest Within Retreat. It’s a space to step away from the noise of everyday life, soften the walls around your heart, and experience what becomes possible when women gather with honesty, compassion, and courage.
I’d love to welcome you.
LEARN MORE ABOUT THE HARVEST WITHIN RETREAT →
Rachel Gordon, MA, MEd, is a psychotherapist and founder of Humble Warrior Therapy, where she supports individuals in the Denver area with heart-centered, trauma-informed care.